


Barisi Drabble Collection

by Kaye_21



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:26:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 14,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaye_21/pseuds/Kaye_21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An ongoing series of standalone Barisi ficlets I've already posted on tumblr, collected here for your (and my) convenience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Can't Stop Thinking about You

“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Rafael looks up.

“Excuse me?”

Carisi is fidgeting. They’re alone in Rafael’s office, going through Carisi’s notes, prepping for their next case. Rafael must have misheard. Or misunderstood, at the very least.

“I can’t stop thinking about you. All the time. I mean, I always did, but now, now that I’m shadowing you, it’s gotten worse. Now that we’re alone every day. For hours. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Rafael isn’t sure how to proceed. Carisi is having some sort of revelation, probably, either about his sexuality or about his attraction to Rafael, and that’s nice and all, and sweet, and flattering, but hardly relevant.

Rafael isn’t about to indulge Carisi’s little student-teacher fantasy. Rafael isn’t willing to listen to some shy, naive confession. Rafael isn’t interested in showing the ropes to a wholesome, nice boy like Carisi.

Fun as that would be. Fun as it would be to push into that nice ass, to feel those long legs wrapped around him. To feel that mouth on him.

No.

Rafael has no time to teach yet another younger man what it means to s-

“I leave your office, every night, hard, hoping you won’t notice. I go home and I think about you. It’s the only way I can come. Do you know how infuriating that is? I don’t even like you. You’ve always been an asshole to me. But I can’t come unless I picture your face. The other day, you hung up your coat over mine, and when I put it on, before I left, it smelled like your aftershave. I jerked off to it. To the smell of your aftershave on my coat. Do you know how messed up that is?”

Rafael takes a deep breath.

Rafael is hard.

Rafael is hoping Carisi won’t notice.

Or not.

“Lock the door, detective.”

Maybe Rafael can make an exception.

Maybe Carisi can teach _him_ a few things.


	2. Rock Paper Scissors

“This is unbearable.”

Sonny grins.

“It’s not that bad. I don’t mind it.”

“Are you serious, Sonny? All the screeching and the yelling and the random thuds, it doesn’t bother you?”

“Not really. I’ve kinda gotten used to it.”

“I don’t care. You’re going up there, and you’re telling them to stop.”

Sonny doesn’t look like he’s going.

“Why don’t _you_ go? You’re the one with the problem.”

Rafael sneers. Rafael does not appreciate Sonny’s nonchalance. Rafael does not appreciate the fact Sonny keeps making excuses for their neighbours. Not when this racket has been going on for almost 2 hours.

Rafael appreciates a good party, so he understands, but there’s a line. The noise is just too much. He’s been trying to work and finding it impossible. Sonny, on the other hand, has been reading one of his books, probably not even paying attention, so what does he care if Rafael can’t hear himself think?

“I can’t go, Sonny. They hate me. And they like you. You’re going.”

“Gee, Rafi, I wonder why they hate you. When you won’t even let them p-”

“Are you going or what, Sonny?”

Sonny bites his lip.

“Rock, paper, scissors.”

“What?”

“Rock, paper, scissors. To see who’s gonna go and rain on their parade.”

Rafael scoffs.

“We can’t settle this with a children’s game, Sonny. We’re not 8 years old.”

Sonny’s hands fly up in exasperation.

“But _they_ are! You’re asking me to go break up a children’s party, Rafi. Or neighbour’s kid is friggin’ 9. You want me to go, you gotta beat me at a children’s game. It’s only fair.”

Rafael exhales.

“Fine.”

Rafael loses.

Probably because Sonny is still mentally 9.

Rafael is almost halfway out the door when Sonny grabs him by the hand.

“Come on, Rafi. They’re just kids. Screeching is kind of what they do.”

Rafael looks at Sonny.

Sonny is smiling. Softly.

Sonny really doesn’t mind it. Really doesn’t mind the noise. Rafael realizes that, to Sonny, all the screeching probably sounds like music. Children’s laughter, and the like.

“Maybe I should start getting used to it too. Kids screeching. You never know. I might have to tolerate that sound someday, for longer periods of time. The experience might come in handy.”

Sonny’s jaw drops.

Sonny is beaming.

Eyes bright. Smile wider than Rafael has ever seen.

This isn’t like Rafael. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him.

He just knows that he loves this look on Sonny’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Rock Paper Scissors to see who has to go talk to the neighbors upstairs for being too loud


	3. You’re Really Soft

“You’re really soft.”

Sonny is lying on Rafael’s chest, hand idly caressing Rafael’s belly, slowly squeezing here and there, fingers kneading, the rhythm of his touches almost hypnotic. Rafael has long given up on feeling self-conscious when Sonny is poking him, pinching his love handles, pressing against his stomach when he’s full.

Rafael had almost fallen asleep before Sonny’s voice got his attention.

“You say that like it’s a good thing, Sonny.”

Sonny kisses Rafael’s chest.

“It _is_ a good thing. A great thing.”

Rafael reaches for Sonny’s hair, soft and messy and wild. He almost wants to take a comb through it, to make Sonny look like himself again. Like the ever-eager detective, not a hair out of place.

Rafael gets these feelings whenever Sonny looks so different. So comfortable. So at home. This isn’t Sonny’s home.

Rafael settles for running his fingers through Sonny’s hair, smoothing down what he can.

“I’m glad you think so. Because I’m only going to get softer the older I get.”

Sonny looks up, his hand still on Rafael’s belly.

Sonny looks surprised.

Rafael hadn’t meant to say that.

_The older I get?_ What the hell? Why was he saying that to Sonny, of all people? Why would Sonny care about Rafael’s old and saggy body in 5, in 10, in 15 years? This has nothing to do with Sonny. He and Sonny, they’re nothing. This is a fling, a g-

“You planning on keeping me around, counselor?”

Sonny is grinning.

Sonny is grinning like he wants that.

Rafael dares.

“Maybe.”

Sonny kisses him. It feels different.

“Good. ‘Cause I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Rafael’s heart is pounding.

Sonny keeps grinning as he kisses his way down, as he places small kisses all over Rafael’s belly.

“Now, soft is great, but let’s see about getting you hard.”


	4. People Are Jerks, but Not You

“People are jerks, but not you.”

Sonny has no idea where that came from. Barba is staring at him, from across the desk. The precinct is empty. Sonny has just returned from prepping Dolores, like Barba asked, probably because Sonny is not a jerk, unlike _some_ people.

“Uh. Thanks? Coming from you, that’s… That means a lot.”

Barba raises an eyebrow.

Sonny grins.

“You know. ‘Cause you’re a jerk. You would know.”

Barba rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling.

Sonny can never figure out the counselor.

Barba used to be a total jerk to him, for so long, except lately he seems to have gotten nicer.

Barba smiles at him, sometimes. Barba laughs at his jokes. Sonny has no idea why, but he’s not planning on asking.

“What I mean, Carisi, is that you’re… You’re a good person. In this line of work, you don’t see that a lot. It’s admirable.”

Oh.

That explains it.

Well, everything except ‘admirable’, but Sonny is 90% certain he imagined that last part, because Barba would never say that about him. Call him admirable. That would imply a level or respect Barba just doesn’t have for him.

Sonny exhales before he gets frustrated, and focuses on the bright side. Barba is being nice because he thinks Sonny is different. Which makes sense. Barba is so cynical, and so jaded, and seeing Sonny’s kindness surprises h-

“It would make you a terrible lawyer, of course.”

Yep. There he is.

“Thanks, counsel-”

“But it makes you a good cop. Better than most.”

_Oh._

Barba looks earnest. Serious. He means it.

Sonny is touched. He had no idea Barba felt that way.

‘Admirable.’

Huh.

Sonny wants to thank Barba again, this time genuinely.

He doesn’t get a chance to do it.

“Don’t say anything, detective. You’ll ruin the moment.”

Sonny really wants to say something, but he’s not sure if he should.

He finds the courage he needs in Barba’s smirk. It’s softer than usual.

“Are we having a moment, counselor?”

Sonny thinks they are, and that’s kind of scary.

In a good way.

Barba looks at him. That soft smirk, it turns into a smile.

“Don’t be a jerk, Carisi.”


	5. We Accidentally Got Married in Vegas

Barba is pacing.

Sonny is sitting on the bed.

Sonny would also be pacing, but the room isn’t that big and there isn’t enough space and he’d just be colliding with Barba on every other step and being near the counselor is just about the last thing he needs right now.

“No one can know about this, Carisi.”

Sonny scoffs.

Sonny started off his morning confused and bleary, because he couldn’t remember much about his night, then happy, because there was a nice, warm body next to his, and also because that body had a great ass, and isn’t that the best way to wake up after a bachelor party, then freaked out because that body belonged to a certain ADA by the name of Rafael Barba, and then panicked because he realized they were wearing matching cheap rings.

Sonny is no longer panicked. He’s over it. He’s mostly disappointed that Barba is reacting so negatively.

Sonny is disappointed that Barba seems to be ignoring the fact they had sex, and just seems hell-bent on trying to offend Sonny to the point of justifiable homicide.

“Why? Would it cramp your style? Being married to somebody like me?”

Barba stops pacing.

“Yes, as a matter of fact. It would. You’re an idiot.”

Another insult.

Sonny is getting mad.

This is crazy. They should be focusing on trying to get an annulment, trying to find the marriage licence, trying to figure out where the wedding was held, trying to see if maybe they can use Sonny’s badge or Barba’s clout to take care of the annulment quickly and painlessly.

Instead, Sonny is getting mad.

This is crazy and Sonny is getting mad.

“You didn’t seem to think I was an idiot when you proposed, counselor.”

Barba exhales.

“I always think you’re an idiot. And just because I proposed, it didn’t mean you had to say yes.”

Sonny is too mad to lie.

“I was drunk! I guess thought it was sweet. Sorry if I got carried away. Nobody ever proposed to me before.”

“Why the hell would anyone propose to you? You’re an idiot!”

Sonny can’t deal with this. He gets up. He needs to get out of there. This isn’t how he pictured getting married. What would his mom think? What would his sist… No, Sonny isn’t going to think about them right now. If they knew, they’d never let him live it down.

“Fine. I’m gonna go be an idiot outside. See about getting an annulment. You just sit in here and be an asshole.”

There’s a knock on the door. They both jump.

“Whose room is this, counselor?”

Barba stares. He doesn’t know.

They don’t know. They don’t know who should open the door, who should say ‘come in’. What if it’s Rollins? Or Liv?

“Get in the bathroom, Carisi.”

They quickly head to the bathroom, which is even smaller. Sonny quickly becomes aware of the fact he’s in his underwear. Barba is wearing a hotel robe. Sonny glances down, and notices Barba is naked underneath.

“Don’t look at me, Carisi.”

Barba tightens the robe around him. Sonny feels like an asshole.

“Sorry.”

Sonny turns around, turns his back on Barba. This proximity, it’s not good for him. It reminds him of the night he had. With Barba. Both drunk, but not as drunk as a proposal would have you believe. Making out, in a dark corner of the club, after Barba’s fingers had gripped Sonny’s thigh. Rushing up to a room, whose room he still didn’t know, and screwing like it was going out of style.  

Barba started it. Fingers on Sonny’s thigh, a tongue in Sonny’s mouth, an arm around Sonny’s neck, a hand down Sonny’s pants. It was all Barba.

Sonny never would have dared.

And now, in the cold light of day, Barba’s acting like he’s better than this. Better than Sonny.

He _is_ better.

Sonny knows that.

That’s probably why Sonny is so upset.

Sonny hears clattering. It wasn’t Liv or Amanda. It was room service. Thank God for small favours.

Sonny reaches for the bathroom door when he feels a hand on the small of his back.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing, Carisi.”

Sonny turns to face Barba.

Barba looks guilty.

Barba’s hand stays on Sonny. Barba is holding his hip now.

“I’m… I’m agitated. Obviously. I overreacted. This is not exactly what I had planned when I agreed to come to this godforsaken bachelor party.”

Of course.

“Yeah. Banging the idiot cop. Clearly not part of your plans for the weeken-”

“Actually, that _was_ my plan. You’re the only reason I came here. I wanted to get you alone. The proposing part, _that_ wasn’t supposed to happen. Getting married. It threw me off balance. I’m sure you understand.”

Oh.

That makes Sonny feel even worse.

“So you wanted to, what, drunkenly seduce me for a fun weekend? Seriously, counselor? And I’m supposed to be flattered?”

Barba’s fingers tighten on Sonny’s hip.

“No. Not for the weekend. I wanted to start something, Carisi. Between us. _You_ know and _I_ know there’s an attraction here. And you were never going to say anything, so I decided to act on it. I just wanted to have the excuse of being drunk in case you turned me down.”

_Oh._

That’s…

That’s sweet?

Sonny has trouble seeing why Barba would be insecure, but having an excuse to fall back on, a way to deny everything, that sounds just like the counselor.

“So why do you keep calling m-”

“You’re not an idiot. Far from it. I’m sorry. I snap when I’m agitated.”

Understatement.

“Let’s just… Can’t we just get the annulment and pick up where we left off? Before I proposed?”

Sonny should be making this harder for Barba, but he’s not into playing games.

Sonny wants this.

“Okay.”

Barba smiles. Barba legitimately smiles, for the first time that morning.

Barba kisses Sonny.

They’re both sober.

Sonny smiles too.

They exit the bathroom. There’s another knock. The maid, probably, having forgotten something.

Sonny opens the door, still smiling. Still in his underwear.

It’s not the maid.

“Carisi? What the hell are you doing in Barba’s room?”


	6. I Waxed the Floors, Grab Your Fluffy Socks

“I waxed the floors, grab your fluffy socks.”

Rafael, long-banished to the bedroom under strict orders not to set foot in the hallway, stops reading his novel and looks up.

Sonny is wearing a white tank top, and some old, beaten up jeans, and his hair is a mess, his muscles all pronounced and wiry after the exertion, and he looks sweaty, and Rafael would like a taste of that sweat, and now Rafael is distracted because he didn’t think housework could look this good.

Maybe next time Rafael can watch.

And then Rafael is distracted even further by flashing images of Sonny with a featherduster and nothing else and, wait, what was that about the socks?

“What?”

“I waxed the floors. Grab your fluffy socks. We can slide. On the floor. Like in Risky Business.”

Rafael frowns.

“You weren’t even born when Risky Business came out.”

Sonny looks frustrated. He pouts, almost. It’s kind of adorable.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. I moved the furniture already, you know, to wax the floors, and I was gonna put it all back but then I figured we could… I don’t know…”

Sonny is losing steam with each word he says. He looks even more frustrated, but now it’s not adorable.

Now it’s a little sad.

Sonny wanted to have some fun, and Rafael practically ruined it.

“If I break a hip, you’re nursing me back to health.”

Sonny grins the happiest little grin as Rafael gets up.


	7. The Worst Wedding Night of Your Life

“If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life.”

Sonny rolls his eyes.

Rafael has been making these declarations-slash-threats all day. It’s the day before their wedding, and it’s like Rafael is trying to make sure there are absolutely no surprises.

So far, it’s been a firm no on the bouquet toss, even though Lucia had been hoping until the last moment, and an even firmer no on the garter belt toss, even though Sonny offered to wear it.

“But it’s tradition, Rafi. I won’t, like, make a mess. I’ll just get some on your nose, or something. As a joke. A little boop. It won’t get on your suit, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Rafael scoffs.

Sonny laughs. Rafael is very transparent when it comes to his attire.

“For your information, Sonny, there will be important people at our reception. Because I’m a serious professional. I can’t get a face full of cake. I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of everyone.”

“Well, you’ll be marrying _me,_ Rafi, so you’ll already look like an id-”

Rafael kisses him. To shut him up.

Rafael hates those little jokes.

Sonny is just trying to be self-deprecating, ‘cause it’s funny. That’s what he tells himself, at least.

Rafael’s reaction proves that maybe Sonny is pretty transparent too, when it comes to his insecurities.

“Fine. You can pick up a very small amount of cake, very slowly, after you give me ample warning, and you can smear it around my mouth, _very_ lightly. For 3 seconds. And that’s it.”

Sonny smirks.

“But do I get to lick it off?”

Rafael kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life


	8. You Look Incredible in That

“You look incredible in that.”

Sonny’s eyes get wide.

Sonny can’t believe he said that.

Sonny is a little drunk.

Barba is smirking.

Barba is smirking, in his tux, at the SVU Christmas party, in a friggin’ tux, like he’s too good to wear a normal suit like a normal person, and did Sonny mention he’s drunk?

“Why, thank you, detective.”

“How come you’re in a tux? I know you didn’t dress up for me. For us, I mean. Not us, you and me. Us, Manhattan SVU. Us.”

Sonny is waving his arms around, trying to indicate just what ‘us’ means, trying to point at the entire room.

Barba is chuckling.

“I have somewhere to go. After this.”

Of course. Of course he does. Barba probably has to go to some fancy soiree. Sonny’s only other Christmas invitation was from his sister Bella, oh, and from some guy from Fordham but he’s n-

“You don’t look so bad yourself, detective. This is a nice suit.”

Sonny smiles.

“Thanks. I never even wore a vest before, before I met you. I didn’t… I wasn’t really into fashion, and stuff. But you, you make it look good. So I, you know. I make an effort, now.”

Barba narrows his eyes.

Sonny starts to worry. What did he say? What did he say to make Barba’s eyes do that? Did he give himself away? No. It was just an innocent compliment. Barba does look good. That’s not weird.

“Do you dress up for me, Carisi?”

Crap.

“Yeah.”

_Crap._

Barba looks around, then looks at Sonny again.

“How drunk are you?”

Sonny is pretty sure that’s a come-on.

Right?

“A little. I can get some coffee, though. I can get a couple of coffees. I’ll have some water. I can get something to eat. I’ll… I can be sober and good to go in, like, 20 minutes.”

Barba laughs.

Barba is considering it.

“Later. After this party. After I’m done with my boring gala which I unfortunately can’t miss. I’ll call you. Be ready.”

Sonny thinks he just sobered up, in one split second.

Sonny nods.

Barba doesn’t say anything else. He just goes around the precinct, says his goodbyes and walks out the door.

Sonny runs after him.

Discreetly.

Or not.

Probably not.

Sonny catches up to Barba right as he’s trying to get in his car.

“Counselor, hey. Wait.”

Barba looks uncomfortable. Sonny is probably overstepping.  

Sonny doesn’t care.

Sonny kisses Barba. He has to. He’s not sure Barba will call him. He’s not sure Barba won’t regret that little invitation after spending a couple of hours with smarter, richer, more important men.

Sonny kisses Barba, deeply, hungrily, he grabs Barba’s ass, because he just has to, just once, and Barba grabs him back, Barba puts those huge hands of his on Sonny’s waist, and Barba’s tongue is inside Sonny’s mouth, and Barba moans, and Sonny is hard, just like that.

Barba pulls away.

It was too much. Sonny messed everything up. Like always.

“Get in, Carisi.”

Sonny’s eyes get wide.


	9. They Used to Be Whites. Now They're Pinks.

“Your stray red item turned my whites pink.”

Rafael acts surprised.

“My what turned your what?”

Sonny is pouting as he’s holding up the offending item.

“Your red polo t-shirt, Rafi. Which you inexplicably threw in with my laundry. Even though I was obviously doing a load of whites. Well, they used to be whites. Now they’re pinks.”

Rafael is still trying to act like this is not a big deal.

That part’s easy.

What’s hard is trying not to laugh at Sonny’s hilariously pouty face.

“I don’t see a problem with that, Sonny.”

“You don’t? You don’t see a problem with all my shirts being pink now?”

“Not really. You didn’t have a single pink shirt before. A total oversight, if you ask me. They’re very fashionable. Consider this a free upgrade for your wardrobe.”

Sonny scoffs.

“Right. You wanted to upgrade my wardrobe, and you couldn’t just buy me a pink shirt, you had to sabotage my laundry. Is this like that time your dry cleaners ‘lost’ my green tie? And then they lost, like, 7 more of my ties? Over a period of 2 months? Which you still insist was a coincidence? Even though they’ve never lost anything of yours?“

It’s a struggle for Rafael not to laugh.

It had been a total accident, of course.

The red polo, that is. The tie thing, that had been a meticulously planned and flawlessly executed attempt to actually upgrade Sonny’s wardrobe.

The red polo, that had been Rafael being so used to dry cleaning everything and thinking that a single red shirt probably wouldn’t do any harm. That had been Rafael, thinking that Sonny probably uses cold water to do his laundry, because he’s all about conserving energy and saving the planet.

The water clearly hadn’t been cold enough.

Rafael still refuses to admit fault.

“Are you saying you want me to buy you a pink shirt, Sonny? Fine. Let’s go shopping.”

Sonny practically glares at him.

Rafael cracks up. It’s impossible not to.

Sonny glares even harder.

Rafael walks up to Sonny, takes the wet, crumpled up t-shirt out of Sonny’s hands, tosses it off to the side, and finally pulls Sonny in for a kiss.

Sonny is still glaring, but he doesn’t resist.

He never does.

Sonny kisses back, his hands immediately going to Rafael’s face.

Sonny never holds a grudge.

Sonny is a good person.

If the tables were turned, if Sonny had somehow ruined Rafael’s laundry, Rafael’s reaction would not be half as forgiving.

No.

That’s a lie.

Rafael would forgive Sonny anything.

Rafael loves Sonny.

He hasn’t said it yet. Not out loud.

He’s going to, one of those days.

“I’ll buy you some white shirts, too. To make up for this. Okay?”

Sonny nods and looks appeased.

For a few seconds.

After that, after that Sonny smirks.

“You know, Rafi, I had tons of underwear in that load too.”

Rafael smirks back, gives Sonny another kiss.

“Fine. I’ll buy you some tighty-whities.”

Sonny’s eyes twinkle.

“I was thinking you could buy me some pink ones.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Your stray red item turned my whites pink


	10. I Have Never Felt This Way about Anyone

Rafael’s fingers are running up and down Sonny’s back. 

Softly.

It still surprises Sonny. How affectionate Rafael is in private. How Rafael never takes his hands off Sonny unless he absolutely has to. How Rafael keeps touching Sonny, after they’ve made l… after they’ve had sex, how Rafael keeps caressing Sonny until one of them, usually Rafael himself, falls asleep. 

Sonny almost likes that better than the sex itself. 

Rafael’s fingers on his skin. Rafael’s hands. Gentle. Sonny likes the feeling of Rafael’s palm resting on his hip, on his ass, on the small of his back. Sonny likes the feeling of Rafael’s fingers moving on his arms, on his neck, on his face, too, sometimes. After they’ve… 

After they’ve made love. 

That’s what this is. For Sonny. 

Sonny doesn’t know why Rafael does this. He never asks. He thinks maybe Rafael likes touching him. Or maybe Rafael can tell Sonny is a cuddler, and figures a few stray touches are an acceptable substitute, because Rafael himself, he does _not_ cuddle.

The first time, Sonny rolled off of Rafael almost immediately. But he didn’t get up. Every instinct of his told Sonny to get up and get dressed and get out. To keep things breezy. To act like it wasn’t a big deal. 

Sonny didn’t get up. He stayed there, in bed, next to Rafael, pretending he was just trying to catch his breath, ready for a non-verbal cue, ready to bolt at the first sight of discomfort from Rafael.

Rafael did not show any discomfort.

Rafael reached over and placed his hand low on Sonny’s belly. 

Rafael muttered ‘goodnight’. 

Like Sonny was supposed to stay.

Rafael closed his eyes, fell asleep within minutes.

Sonny stayed.

Sonny didn’t fall asleep for hours.

Sonny thinks Rafael is about to fall asleep again, now. Rafael’s fingers have started slowing down. Rafael’s arm feels heavier, like he’s resting it on Sonny more than he’s moving it. That’s the tell. That’s how Sonny knows. 

This, this happens all the time now. Them, sleeping together. Literally. Spending nights at each other’s place. Days, too. Days off. 

Sonny doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but it’s hard not to.

Sonny loves Rafael. 

Sonny wants to tell him.

Sonny knows he’s probably ascribing way too much meaning to the little things, but it’s hard not to. 

Sonny knows it’s probably just common courtesy, but he can’t help overanalyzing things like Rafael making an extra cup of cappuccino on his fancy coffee maker in the mornings, always ready before Sonny wakes up. Things like Rafael knowing Sonny’s weird pizza order, like Rafael texting him goodnight on the nights they have to be apart, like Rafael finding excuses to touch him even at work, subtly, like Rafael asking about his niece, about his family. 

It’s probably just common courtesy.

It’s love.

That’s what this is. For Sonny.

Sonny is watching, waiting for the moment Rafael drifts off to sleep. 

Sonny is lying on his stomach, facing Rafael who is lying on his side, eyes already closed. 

Sonny can still feel Rafael’s hand moving. 

Up and down.

Until it stops. 

Rafael’s hand rests on the small of Sonny’s back.

The touch, it feels possessive. 

Or maybe Sonny is projecting. 

Maybe Sonny wants Rafael to be his. 

Maybe Sonny is jealous, because Rafael touches him all the time but Sonny is a coward, and he doesn’t touch Rafael half as much as he wants to. Sonny doesn’t think he can get away with loving… with _affectionate_ touches like that, not like Rafael can. Sonny is afraid that he’ll try to caress Rafael’s face one day and get a blank stare in return.

That’s why Sonny always waits for Rafael to fall asleep first. Before he can touch.

Rafael’s breath has evened out. 

Sonny reaches with his hand, Sonny tries to smooth down that one cowlick which Rafael usually keeps tamed with hair gel but which always pops right up when they’re in bed.

“Don’t bother. It’s never going to stay down.”

Oh.

Rafael isn’t asleep.

Sonny pulls his hand aw-

No.

Sonny _tries_ to pull his hand away, but Rafael grabs his wrist.

Rafael is staring at him. Holding his hand.

Rafael breathes.

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Sonny. I’ve been meaning to tell you that. For a while now.”

Sonny thinks this is what happiness feels like.

Sonny thinks he’s wasted so much time, not touching.

Sonny scoots closer, Sonny puts his hand on Rafael’s face, Sonny caresses Rafael’s cheek.

“What way is that, counselor?”

Rafael smirks. 

Sonny keeps caressing, Sonny keeps touching Rafael’s face. 

He feels that he can, now. That he’s allowed.

Rafael doesn’t answer. Not with words.

Rafael pulls Sonny even closer, Rafael drags Sonny by the hand, Rafael tugs until Sonny is on top of him.

Rafael kisses Sonny.

Rafael touches Sonny. 

There’s nothing soft about it, now. Nothing gentle.  

Rafael isn’t stroking leisurely. Rafael is holding him, arms tight around Sonny’s waist. Rafael is clutching at him, embracing him, so strong, and if Sonny thought the little touches were possessive, then this is something else.

Rafael is squeezing Sonny in his arms, squeezing Sonny between his thighs, kissing Sonny, and it’s the single best feeling Sonny has ever experienced in his entire life.

It’s love.

That’s what this is. For Rafael, too.


	11. I think I’m in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this a fix-it fic/companion piece to [Casual](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5682742). It’s not a sequel, but it’s a different take on a casual relationship between Sonny and Rafael.
> 
> Spoiler: this one is a lot less painful.

“I think I’m in love.”

Sonny frowns.

Sonny has no idea why Barba would be sharing this kind of information with him.

Especially not while they’re banging in a bathroom stall at some fancy gentlemen’s club Barba brought him to. The kind of fancy where you don’t expect anyone to be banging in the bathrooms, until you actually walk in and see that they’re basically a more dignified version of the bathrooms at the seedy clubs Sonny goes to sometimes. All that’s missing is the glory holes.

The kind of fancy where everyone sees you there but no one will ever tell.

Sonny is both surprised and totally unsurprised that Barba has at least five of those places in his rotation. Well, he’s taken Sonny to five places. Who knows where he takes other guys. An important man like Barba, gay but in the closet, a man who values privacy, he probably tries not to have a routine.

Sonny keeps grinding back against Barba, fast, hard, moaning quietly as he’s bracing against the door.

Sonny keeps grinding back as he tries to figure out how to respond.

Sonny always thought he and Barba had a no questions asked policy.

They do what they do, and often, but they never talk about it. They never talk about their love lives. They do talk about their lives in general, about school or about their families or about work, and they are on friendly terms, which sure beats their past interaction, but that’s it.

Sonny doesn’t know why Barba suddenly wants to share.

“Okay, counselor? So what?”

Barba’s thrusts slow down, but he doesn’t stop moving. His hands just grip Sonny’s hips tighter.

“So what? You don’t care?”

Sonny does care.

This has been going on for about four months, and Sonny has no problem being one of the guys Barba “lets off some steam” with - that’s what Barba had called it, the first time - but if Barba is in love, that changes everything.

Sonny wishes he wasn’t such a decent guy, sometimes. Sonny knows this has cost him in the past, and it keeps costing him.

Sonny wishes this could go on. He likes these quick, hurried, intense sessions with Barba. Barba’s hands on him, they help him focus. When Sonny is with Barba, it’s the only time the job doesn’t weigh on him. It’s the only time he can clear his mind.  

Sonny wishes they didn’t have to stop. But Sonny _is_ a decent guy, and Sonny _does_ care.

“Yeah, I care. So consider tonight our last hurrah, alright?”

This time Barba does stop.

Barba stops, and he pulls out, and Sonny turns around because he figures Barba wants the last time they screw to be face to face.

Sonny wants that too. It’s only fair.

Sonny is about to push Barba down onto the toilet seat, where it’ll be easier to ride him, but Sonny stops halfway.

Barba looks upset.

Sonny smiles.

Sonny thinks he’s not the only one who’s gonna miss these little meetings.

Sonny wants to laugh at the absurdity of their situation. Sonny and Barba, in some fancy bathroom, their pants around their ankles, having a nice momen-

“What do you mean, Carisi? Why do we have to stop?”

Oh.

Barba wants it both ways.

Sonny should have known.

Sonny still won’t judge Barba, he’d never judge anybody for what they do in the bedroom. Sonny just wishes things could end with dignity. They’re grown-ups, they should be able to say ‘it’s been fun, thank you, have a nice life.’

“Look, Barba, this has been a lot of fun. Like, a _lot_. I don’t mind having a little fling here and there, especially with somebody… With somebody like you. But, come on. I know this thing, between us, it doesn’t mean much, but I figured you knew me a little better than that. You gotta know I can’t keep doing this.”

Barba doesn’t seem to get it.

“Why not?”

Sonny sighs.

“Because a fling, when we’re both single, that’s one thing. But I can’t keep doing this if you’re in love with somebody. If you’re in a relationship, and you love him, I don’t wanna get in the middle of that. That’s not who I am. Maybe you can ask one of your other boy toys.”

Barba looks stunned.

Sonny is disappointed. Maybe Barba doesn’t know him. _Obviously_ Barba doesn’t know him, or else Barba would know that Sonny would never d-

“You’re an idiot, Carisi.”

Name-calling,

Great.

Hoping for a dignified ending was too much, apparently. The real Barba shone through.

Sonny pulls up his pants, and Barba hesitantly does the same. This isn’t how Sonny imagined their last time together, but he supposes it was bound to happen this way.

“Yeah. _I’m_ the idiot, counselor. I’m the idiot who’s in love with some other guy and wants to jeopardize that by banging a random colleague on the side.”

Sonny tries to leave but Barba steps around him, stands in front of him.

Sonny is _not_ in the mood for this.

“Seriously? You’re gonna try to stop me fr-”

“There _is_ no other guy, Carisi. There are no ‘boy toys’. There’s no one else. I thought you knew me a little better than that, too.”

Sonny is confused.

“What?”

“You’re the guy. I’m in love with you. At least I was, before your display of utter stupidity just now.”

Barba is smirking.

Sonny does feel utterly stupid.

“What the hell are you talking about, Barba? You’re in love with me? Are you crazy?”

Barba narrows his eyes.

“You’re not… You don’t… Oh. I see.”

The expression on Barba’s face is one Sonny has never seen before.

It almost looks like pain.

Barba is the one who is trying to leave now, and Sonny is the one who is trying to block the exit.

“Wait, wait. I didn’t say that. I just… How can you be in love with me? And how come you never said anything?”

Barba stops trying to leave.

Barba stands there and looks at Sonny, right in the eye.

“Well, Carisi, to answer your second question, clearly I’m not very good at this. I did just confess my love in a very unromantic bathroom stall, ten seconds after someone flushed the toilet, three stalls over. I’m pretty sure it was a number two, because I also heard a splash beforehand.”

Sonny snorts.

Sonny hadn’t even noticed that.

Sonny never notices much of anything, not when he’s with Barba. Not when Barba is inside him. It’s such an overwhelming feeling. Too overwhelming, probably. It drowns out everything else.

Love.

Sonny still can’t get his head around it. Barba keeps saying that word.

“What about my first question?”

Barba takes a deep breath.

“How can I be in love with you? I don’t know either. But I am. I like you. I want to take you home. On a bed. For longer than 20 minutes at a time. I want to take you out. Not in a bathroom. Not in a private club. I want to take you to a real restaurant. For a date. For a conversation. So you can bombard me with pictures of your niece and I can complain about my mother. You know. A date. Like normal people. Like a normal couple.”

Sonny stares.

Sonny didn’t think that was an option.

Sonny never let himself think that was an option.

Sonny is good at compartmentalizing.

“That doesn’t sound like love, counselor. It just sounds like you wanna spend more time with me.”

Barba smiles.

“Sometimes I forget how young you are. What do you think love is? Yes, I want to spend more time with you. Do you think that happens to me often? Do you know how many people I actually enjoy spending time with?”

Sonny can’t help himself.

“Zero?”

Barba chuckles.

“One person. You. You’re it. I want to be around _you._ You make me want to smile. That’s love. For me. I see you, and I smile. I don’t smile, Carisi. Not for just anybody.”

Sonny nods.

Sonny gets it.

Sonny has been smiling because of Barba, for Barba, for over four months now.

Longer.

But he won’t admit that yet.

He’ll just kiss Barba.

He does.

Sonny kisses Barba, hesitantly. Softly. Slowly.

Clothes on.

That’s new.

Barba pulls him closer.

Barba clutches at Sonny’s arms, Barba tugs at Sonny’s sleeves, Barba exhales and Sonny feels his breath and Sonny knows, Sonny knows that’s relief.

Sonny feels relief too.

Sonny is not _that_ good at compartmentalizing. He’s just good at lying to himself.

Sonny wraps his arms around Barba’s waist and deepens the kiss.

Barba sighs. He sounds happy.

Sonny never thought this would happen.

Sonny always wanted this to happen.

Maybe not exactly this. Maybe not _like_ this. Maybe not in a bathroom stall. But then, it doesn’t matter. It actually _is_ romantic. It’s a real kiss, for once. They’re not making out as they take each other’s clothes off, right before they have sex. They’re just kissing.

It’s a kiss for the sake of a kiss.

That has never happened before.

Moments later, they pull apart.

They’re both smiling.

“I want to cook for you.”

That’s what Sonny says.

What he means is, ‘I think I’m in love too.’


	12. Banana Cream Cheesecake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fluffy little ficlet for Valentine's Day.

“Hey, counselor?”

“Hm?”

“Will you be my Valentine?”

Rafael almost chokes on his coffee. He’s sure that Carisi did it on purpose. Waited until he took a sip before asking.

“Are you trying to kill me, detective?”

Carisi is chuckling. 

They had a very productive session, especially considering the fact it was an impromptu meeting that lasted almost four hours. They were supposed to go over the case first thing on Monday; go over Carisi’s testimony, go through all the witness statements and find any and all holes in their stories, patch up those holes so they’d be ready for the defense attorneys. 

Rafael had set aside his entire Monday morning just for that purpose, but that was before the DA called, asking for a meeting of her own, ‘sometime on Monday morning, I’ll call you when I get a free hour’. Rafael had to call Carisi at the very last minute, almost frantically, because the trial was starting on Tuesday and Rafael’s Monday afternoon was all booked up. 

Fortunately, Carisi got there in record time. He was already familiar with the case, since he had been one of the arresting officers, and he even had some helpful notes. Other than that, Carisi barely interjected, probably distracted by the upcoming bar exam, or so Rafael thought. Their meeting had been practically pleasant.

Rafael should have known it was too good to be true. Carisi never leaves without saying something dumb.

“I’m just saying, Barba. Since you ruined my actual Valentine’s Day plans by calling me in to work on a Sunday, the least you can do is make it up to me. Call it a substitute date. How 'bout it?”

Rafael smirks.

“You had plans, Carisi?”

Carisi smirks back.

“Oh yeah. I had big plans. I was gonna put together a nice dinner. Real romantic. First Valentine’s Day together, you know? I was gonna cook up something pretty special. Extravagant. Intricate. Takes hours to make, but you gotta wait for perfection, know what I mean? I had already bought all the ingredients, before you called. Oh, and I had just finished making my famous banana cream cheesecake. I left it chilling in the fridge. It should be perfect right about now.”

Rafael swallows hard, trying to hide the fact he’s drooling. He loves banana cream cheesecake.

“Oh. That… that sounds nice.”

“Yeah. It would’ve been. Too bad it’s almost eight o'clock and it’s too late to start cooking now.”

Rafael narrows his eyes.

“Wait. So why did you ask me to be your substitute date? What are we supposed to do, if there’s no dinner involved?”

Carisi snorts.

“You’re only going to say yes if there’s food involved?”

Rafael bites his bottom lip so he doesn’t laugh.

“Food _would_ be a strong incentive.”

Carisi gets up from his chair, he puts his elbows on Rafael’s desk and he leans forward. His face is so close to Rafael’s, now. His skin is so clear, his lips full, his eyes bright.

Carisi looks young. Happy. Two things Rafael hasn’t been in a long time.

Carisi looks playful, almost defiant as he stares at Rafael, leaning even closer, gangly arms messing up the papers on Rafael’s desk.

“I got cheesecake.”

Now _that’s_ what Rafael calls a solid argument.

Rafael acts like he’s considering the offer.

He’s not.

He knew he was going to say yes from the start.

“Fine. I guess.”

Carisi grins before he leans in and plants a kiss right on Rafael’s lips. He tries to pull away, but Rafael grabs his tie and pulls him back in for another, for a longer kiss.

By the time they pull apart, Carisi looks positively smitten.

“What were you gonna make me, Sonny?”

Sonny doesn’t lose his grin.

“If you hadn’t called me into your office, Rafi, you wouldn’t have to ask. We’d be at my place having dinner right now.”

That’s fair, Rafael supposes.

“Well, I’m good with just the cheesecake for tonight. For the rest, there’s always next year.”

Sonny’s grin stops being playful. It turns sweet. Warm.

Loving, maybe.

“Yeah? Next year? I’m gonna hold you to that, counselor.”

Definitely.

Rafael smiles, and hopes his smile looks just as loving.

They have to rely on smiles, because they haven’t said the words, not yet. Rafael was never one for romance, anyway. Valentine’s Day, it always struck him as silly. Maybe it is. Maybe that doesn’t matter.

Rafael looks at Sonny, and he feels young again. 

He feels happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://poipoi1912.tumblr.com/post/139311243756/barisi-valentines-day-drabble).


	13. Tell Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #1 (for the prompt 'You nearly died’)

Carisi is so young.

He has barely had the time to do anything.

That’s not true. College, the police academy, making detective, graduating law school.

That’s…

That’s a lot.

Rafael has the paranoid thought that this is why Carisi is always working so hard. That maybe Carisi’s life was frontloaded because he knew, deep down, that it would be short.

That’s ridiculous.

Rafael takes a breath.

Carisi can’t.

Carisi can’t take a breath, not on his own.

Carisi is intubated. Unconscious.

Carisi is in the hospital, and Rafael is at his bedside. Finally.

Carisi is so young.

There’s so much he hasn’t done.

He never got a chance to ask Rafael out.

Rafael knew Carisi was working up to it.

Rafael knew Carisi used to be intimidated by him, but not for a while now.

Rafael had made a conscious effort to mellow out, to let his guard down, to show that, despite the teasing, he was actually very fond of Carisi.

Conscious.

Carisi is unconscious.

Carisi is kind, and polite, and honest, and he was working up to it.

Rafael knows it.

Carisi was so close. He was already sassing Rafael back, he was smiling, he was touching Rafael all the time, for no reason.

Rafael knows it.

Carisi was so close, and then a maniac with a gun had to ruin everything.

Rafael didn’t even get the call until hours later.

He didn’t even get a call, actually.

Rafael was the one who called, when he hadn’t heard from Liv in several hours.

So he called her, eventually, and she sounded exhausted, and pained, and she apologized, quietly saying, ‘Sorry I haven’t kept in touch, it’s been a long day.’

Rafael instantly knew she was upset, but he assumed it was about a case, he didn’t know, he just assumed, and he asked her, he said, ‘Want to go have a drink, talk about it?’

Liv said no. She said, ‘I can’t. I’m at the hospital. Carisi was shot this morning. He just got out of surgery. We don’t know… We don’t know yet.’

Rafael froze.

Rafael couldn’t speak.

Rafael couldn’t ask how, where, when. He barely stopped himself before asking Liv why the hell she hadn’t called him sooner, why she hadn’t told him.

Why would she?

Liv didn’t know.

No one knew.

Carisi didn’t know either.

Carisi doesn’t know.

Maybe he’ll never know.

Rafael takes another breath.

He wishes Carisi could, too.

Rafael takes comfort in the fact he’s sitting with Carisi now, in the fact he was allowed in the room.

A nurse tried to stop him, when he first got to the hospital. Said visiting hours were over.

He’s not proud of it, but he snapped at her. He yelled, he used his scariest A.D.A. voice and he yelled, ‘I need to see him.’

Carisi’s sisters heard the commotion and came out of his room.

Bella and one of the others, Rafael doesn’t know which one. He doesn’t remember their names.

He should remember their names. Carisi can’t shut up about them.

Rafael doesn’t remember.

The other sister, the older one, older than Carisi, too, probably, she talked to the nurse on Rafael’s behalf. She and Bella, they said they’d give him a few minutes 'alone with Sonny’.

Rafael is sitting with Carisi now, with 'Sonny’, and Rafael has never called him Sonny, and Carisi doesn’t know.

Carisi is going to be okay. That’s what the older sister said.

Maybe _she_ knows.

She knew enough to let Rafael know, to tell him about Carisi’s condition because Rafael couldn’t ask the doctors directly.

Carisi is going to be okay.

Rafael has a hard time believing that.

Carisi looks so pale, so weak. He took two bullets to the chest, suffered damage to one of his lungs.

That’s all Rafael knows. He still hasn’t even asked how it happened because he’s not sure he can hear it. Not yet.

Rafael is holding Carisi’s hand. He has, ever since he walked inside the room.

He knows he should speak, too, but that’s not easy. Holding Carisi’s hand, that requires less effort.

Carisi is worth the effort.

“Uh. S… Sonny? Hi. It’s.. It’s Barba. Uh.”

Rafael facepalms.

This isn’t a voice mail.

Rafael needs to say something meaningful. Something helpful. Something supportive, in case Carisi can hear him. He needs to say something so that Carisi will hold on.

“Wake up.”

That’s what Rafael says.

He doesn’t know what else to say.

He knows what to do, though.

Rafael lifts Carisi’s hand to his lips and places a small kiss on it, right next to the tubes.

He’s not sure Carisi can even feel it.

Carisi’s skin feels cold against his lips.

It reminds Rafael of his grandmother’s skin. When he kissed her, after she passed.

This is not the way Rafael imagined his lips meeting Carisi’s skin for the first time.

A knock on the door interrupts his thoughts.

Rafael drops Carisi’s hand so fast, and then he feels sick to his stomach because Carisi almost died and Rafael is in pain and still his first instinct is to hide.

It’s Bella.

Rafael gets up.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I’ll go now.”

Bella smiles.

She puts a hand on his shoulder, she gently pushes him back down.

“I’m happy you feel the same way about him.”

Rafael stares.

“Sonny doesn’t know that, though.”

Bella is not asking. She knows.

“He doesn’t, because I know for a fact he would have told me if he did.”

Rafael keeps staring.

“You should tell him. When he wakes up.”

Rafael nods.

Rafael takes Carisi’s hand again. He doesn’t want to hide anymore.

Bella takes a seat next to him, her hand softly rubbing Carisi’s calf.

They wait.

~ ~ ~

Carisi is awake.

Carisi is awake, and conscious, and alert and alive.

Rafael hasn’t seen him yet.

His sisters, his parents who were on vacation and had to fly back overnight, they have been with Carisi all afternoon.

Carisi has to be weak, after his surgery. There’s no way Rafael will get to see him before the next morning.

Rafael waits anyway.

Liv drops by, around eight in the evening. She doesn’t appear surprised to still see him there. She doesn’t appear surprised to see that he spent the night there, the entire day, too, that he hasn’t shaved, that he hasn’t slept, that he’s exhausted. She doesn’t appear surprised to see that he’s in pain.

She doesn’t ask. She checks with Carisi’s doctors, she smiles at Rafael and then she leaves.

Rafael waits.

Hours later, or at least it feels like hours, Carisi’s family exits the room. They all stare at him, but no one speaks.

No one except Bella, who shoos the rest of them away, sends them to the hospital cafeteria ‘to get something to eat’.

“He was asking for you.”

Rafael feels hopeful. Feels like maybe he’ll get to see Carisi after all.

Rafael has something to tell him.

“Is it okay if I go in?”

Bella smiles.

“Visiting hours are over, and the nurses said we shouldn’t wear him out, but yeah. I think it’ll be good for him. He’ll be happy to see you.”

Rafael nods.

Bella leaves, still smiling.

Rafael knocks and hears Carisi’s quiet answer. It sounds so wrong. Carisi is always so loud.

Carisi smiles, as soon as Rafael walks in.

Rafael feels a surge of happiness because he did that. He put that smile on Carisi’s face. _He_ did that, with his visit.

Because Carisi, he 'feels the same way’. Whatever that means. Rafael himself doesn’t know, doesn’t know exactly what he feels, what Carisi feels either, but he trusts Bella. If she said it, it must be true.

“Hey, counselor!”

Rafael can see Carisi’s smile now. Unobstructed. Carisi’s lips. The tubes are gone, the bandages are gone.

Rafael can see Carisi’s smile now.

Rafael has something to tell him.

Rafael can’t speak.

Carisi speaks instead.

“So, Bella told me the funniest thing.”

Carisi’s smile, it’s a smirk now.

Carisi just got shot, he just got out of surgery, he was extubated just hours ago, and he can still find it in him to smirk. To joke.

To flirt.

Rafael refuses to be outdone.

“Did she? Well, tell your sister that I do not appreciate her stealing my thunder. _I_ was supposed to tell you.”

Carisi is grinning now.

“Tell me what, counselor?”

Rafael rolls his eyes.

Rafael sits on the bed, he sits as close to Carisi as he can manage, he takes Carisi’s hand in his own again, and this time Carisi can definitely feel it.

Carisi’s grin fades, Carisi’s eyes look softer now. Rafael just wants to sit next to him, to look at him, to make sure he’s alright.

Rafael touches Carisi’s face. Carisi’s lips, they fall open.

Rafael can’t speak.

He just looks.

Carisi is so young.

“I can’t believe I almost had to die for you to tell me, Barba.”

Rafael keeps stroking Carisi’s face. Carisi is smiling again. His face feels full and stubbly and soft under Rafael’s hand.

“I haven’t told you anything yet, Carisi.”

Carisi keeps smiling.

Carisi rubs his face against Rafael’s palm. It’s the sweetest, loveliest thing.

“Tell me, then.”

Rafael can’t speak.

He doesn’t have to.

He leans in, closer, and he kisses Carisi. He can hear the heart monitor going crazy.

He sucks on Carisi’s bottom lip, he licks at it, he slips his tongue inside Carisi’s mouth, his hand stroking Carisi’s face, still, and Carisi hums, Carisi kisses back, lips so soft, Carisi kisses back, more, before pulling away.

“Whoa, hold on, counselor. Wait till I get my strength back, okay?”

Carisi tries to joke, tries to play it cool, but it doesn’t work. His eyes are wide, and he looks flushed, when he was pale only a few moments ago.

Rafael feels a surge of happiness because he did that. He put that healthy glow on Carisi’s face. _He_ did that. With a kiss.

Rafael is happy there’s no monitor attached to his own heart.

Not just because it would give him away.

Mostly because he’s worked hard at cultivating the illusion that he has no heart.

Carisi never fell for that.

“I’ll wait, Sonny.”

That smile?

The smile Rafael gets in return? That’s worth everything and mor-

“I can’t believe I almost had to die for you to call me Sonny.”


	14. Celebrating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #2 (for the prompt ‘a kiss that shouldn’t have happened’)

Rafael has barely let an unusually hyper Carisi into his office, when he feels a pair of hands grabbing him by the shoulders.

Carisi is pulling him closer, Carisi is puckering up, Carisi is…

Carisi is kissing him.

Carisi is kissing Rafael, and smiling, which Rafael can see because he’s too shocked to even try to close his eyes, and Rafael doesn’t know how to reac-

Oh. 

It’s over. 

It only lasted two seconds.

Two unexpectedly fun seconds.

Carisi pulls away, looking surprised.

Rafael thinks that’s a remarkably mild reaction.

“Have you lost your mind, detective?”

Carisi opens and closes his mouth a few times, clearly trying to figure out to say.

Carisi is still smiling, by the way. And he hasn’t ran out of the office yet.

Rafael finds that admirable, for some reason. Lesser men have fled from his office for lesser offenses.

“No, I’m just… I’m sorry, I just found out I graduated law school. Just now. My final grades just came in. I got all the credits I need, now. So I got excited, I guess. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, uh…”

Carisi finally stops smiling. 

He looks like he is only now realizing what he did.

He looks stunned. 

Rafael is stunned too. Stunned that Carisi actually managed to graduate.

“To kiss me?”

Carisi nods, speechless for once.

Rafael shakes his head.

“Congratulations, Carisi. Though you might want to choose another way to celebrate. One that doesn’t involve you randomly kissing your colleagues.”

Carisi looks deathly embarrassed. 

“I… Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. I was just happy and… and you were there, but I shouldn’t have. Kissed you. I shouldn’t have done that. Not without asking first. Consent is important. I know that. I’m sorry.”

Carisi is babbling, his hands flying around, like always.

It’s kind of hilarious.

Rafael decides to have a little more fun.

“You kissed me because I was there? So you would have kissed anyone? Anyone who was there when you got the news?”

Carisi nods readily, which isn’t surprising.

“Sure. I’m a pretty demonstrative guy.”

Rafael hums.

“You would have kissed Fin? Rollins? Dodds? _Liv?_ ”

Carisi looks dumbfounded. Which is nothing new.

“Uh. Maybe?”

To his credit, Carisi only pretends that’s true for a split second.

“Yeah, no. I wouldn’t have.”

Rafael finds a strange pleasure in that.

In the fact he’s the only one Carisi wants to kiss.

In the fact Carisi just admitted that, without even realizing it.

Rafael thinks maybe there’s even more fun to be had with Carisi.

“So why did you kiss _me_ , detective?”

Carisi exhales. He seems to be quickly composing himself. 

“Come on, counselor. Don’t try to make me overthink this. I got some good news, I got overexcited, and you were there. I wasn’t thinking.”

Rafael is almost disappointed. He was hoping for another inadvertent confession. 

“What else is new, Carisi?”

Carisi scoffs, but his eyes are smiling.  

“Look, we’re good, right? I’d hate to think I was b…”

It’s Rafael’s turn to scoff.

“Yes, Carisi. You can rest assured that this little incident did not in any way alter my already very low opinion of you.”

Carisi laughs.

Rafael finds that admirable, too. The way Carisi can laugh at himself.

“I love it when you sweet-talk me, Barba. Anyway. I’m sorry I kissed you. I won’t do it again.”

Carisi looks at Rafael eagerly. Hopefully. Carisi is waiting for an answer. For absolution. For Rafael to let him off the hook.

Rafael looks back. Rafael scans Carisi’s entire body. Carisi’s wearing a vest again, shirt sleeves rolled up, like always.

Rafael looks at the long legs, and the skinny waist, and the narrow shoulders, the pointy elbows, the bony wrists, the slender fingers.

Rafael looks at Carisi’s wiry forearms, at Carisi’s small belly, at Carisi’s frankly distracting crotch, at Carisi’s shapely ass. Well, no, actually, Rafael can’t see Carisi’s shapely ass, not from this angle, but he may as well be looking at it. He’s stared at it so many times he’s committed the image to memory. 

Rafael looks at Carisi’s face, too. He’s not completely shallow.

Rafael looks at the full lips, and the faint stubble, and the cute dimples, and the strong nose, and the blue eyes.

Rafael looks at Carisi’s frown lines, at Carisi’s crow’s feet, at Carisi’s laugh lines. Rafael takes in the endearing expression, and another, and another, Carisi’s face seemingly an ever-changing and endless source of sweetness.  

Rafael looks.

Rafael smirks.

“I didn’t say that.”


	15. Slipping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #3 (for the prompts 'desperate kiss’ and ‘a kiss we had to wait for’)

“This is my last day. Can you believe it?”

Carisi is in a great mood. He’s smiling, he looks excited as he deposits a coffee cup and a small box of cannoli on Rafael’s desk.

He looks happy.

Rafael is not.

Happy.

Rafael is miserable.

“I can’t, detective. I can’t believe you lasted this long, that is. Five years with SVU? I thought they’d get rid of you within a month.”

Carisi keeps smiling.

“You and me both, counselor.”

Rafael takes a sip of the coffee Carisi brought him. 

It’s delicious.

Rafael feels the need to say something. Carisi isn’t even supposed to be working today. They’re throwing him a going away party later, and he can’t work on any new cases, and from what Rafael has gathered Carisi is just going around saying his goodbyes.

Carisi has a lot of goodbyes to say. 

Everyone loves Carisi.

Carisi has friends everywhere.

Carisi is always smiling, always being polite, always hand-delivering pastries, making home-cooked meals, bringing coffee, Carisi always brings Rafael his favorite coffee, every time he drops by, for five whole years, and that’s over now.

Carisi is leaving.

Carisi is moving back to Staten Island. 

Carisi is starting up his own law firm, with a friend of his from Fordham who has some spare cash, apparently, and Carisi is leaving. 

It’s over now.

“Good luck, Carisi. You’re going to need it.”

Carisi rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. Listen, um, I’d like you to come to the bar tonight. For the party. If you can make it, of course. No pressure. I just… You should be there, you know? I consider you my friend. Even though you’re probably happy to see me go.”

Carisi is smiling again, and there’s a hint of sadness in his eyes, or maybe Rafael is projecting. 

Maybe Rafael wants to pretend that Carisi is sad too, because he feels like his own heart is about to crawl out of his mouth, because he feels physical pain, because he hates this and he doesn’t want to think that Carisi is happy to be leaving, not when Rafael himself is devastated.

“That’s not true, Carisi. You were good, here. You did good work. You’re a… You’re a good colleague. Manhattan SVU is going to have to try very hard to find a worthy replacement.”

Carisi snorts.

“Ha! Right. Next you’re gonna tell me that you’re gonna miss me. Come on, Barba, spare me.”

Rafael feels so guilty.

Five years, and he never said anything.

Five years, and he spent them just looking.

Five years, and he wasted them by teasing Carisi, mocking, only occasionally giving out faint praise even though Carisi deserved so much better.

Five years, and he still can’t come clean.

Five years, and now it’s over.

“Do you have everything set up in your new office?”

Carisi looks surprised by the randomness of the question.

“Uh, yeah. Mostly. I haven’t decorated yet. But the computers are set up, we’re online, we got the furniture. Yeah.”

Rafael feels sick. 

It’s real. 

It’s done. 

Rafael was hoping for a last minute reprieve. For some kind of miracle. Burst pipes, maybe. A failed building inspection. A roach infestation.

Rafael is desperate.

It’s over now.

“Well. Good luck.”

Carisi frowns.

“You already said that.”

Right. 

Rafael forgot. Rafael is too agitated to keep this conversation straight in his head.

“Even if I say it twelve more times, it still won’t be enough luck, Carisi.”

Carisi laughs. 

Rafael managed to cover well.

Rafael hates that he’s quick on his feet.

Rafael wishes he would slip up, just once.

Rafael wishes he could tell the goddamn truth, just once.

By accident.

That’s the only way.

Rafael would never tell the truth on purpose.

Five years, and now it’s over.

Carisi is staring.

“So, you’ll come tonight, right, counselor?”

Rafael doesn’t think he can. 

There’ll be alcohol there. Rafael could always not drink, of course, but Liv would find that suspicious.

If Rafael drinks, if his inhibitions are lowered even the tiniest amount, he’ll slip up.

Rafael doesn’t really want to slip up.

It’s safe, when he’s solid on his feet.

It’s over now, but that’s okay.

“I have a prior engagement, Carisi. I’m sorry.”

Carisi gapes, for just a second. Carisi definitely looks sad. It’s not just in Rafael’s mind.

Carisi recovers quickly, plasters on a smile that’s more fake than any smile of his Rafael has ever seen.

“Oh. Okay. So… Not to be corny, but this is goodbye.”

Rafael didn’t think this through.

If he doesn’t go to the party, this, this…

This is goodbye.

Just the two of them.

Rafael and Carisi, alone in his office, saying goodbye.

Rafael swallows, tries to keep the bile from rising in his throat.

“I guess so, detective.”

Carisi’s face looks tight.

“Right. Uh. Goodbye, then. I _will_ miss you, Barba.”

Rafael takes another sip of coffee and hopes he doesn’t choke.

Rafael stands up.

He wants to shake Carisi’s hand.

He wants to do a lot more than that.

He’ll just shake Carisi’s hand.

Carisi smiles. It still looks fake. Carisi smiles as Rafael walks up to him.

Carisi reaches out.

Rafael looks down, at Carisi’s outstretched fingers. 

Then back up, at Carisi’s fake smile.

“I’ll miss you too.”

Carisi’s hand clenches.

Carisi is biting his lips. Breathing heavily.

Carisi is sad too.

Rafael slips up.

Rafael grabs Carisi by the neck and pulls him in for a kiss.

It’s the first honest thing he’s done, the first real thing. In five years.

Carisi doesn’t resist. Carisi puts his arms around Rafael’s waist, his fingers latch on to Rafael’s expensive suit, wrinkling up the jacket, tugging at the fabric.

They’re both tugging, pulling each other closer, kissing, and Rafael doesn’t know why it took him this long, doesn’t know how he ever lived without Carisi’s skinny arms around him. How he ever lived without Carisi’s lips between his own.

“Ow.”

Rafael pulls away. He sees his fingers, practically wrapped around Carisi’s neck. Pressing.

Holding on.

He didn’t even know he was doing it.

Rafael doesn’t want to let go.

Rafael has to let go. 

He does. He can see the imprints of his fingers, red on Carisi’s fair skin.

“You didn’t have to throttle me, Barba. I would’ve kissed you anyway.”

Rafael would laugh if he could.

Carisi looks shocked, and flushed, and energized, and gorgeous.

“Why’d it have to take you five years, though, huh?”

Carisi is leaving.

It’s over now.

Rafael exhales.

“Staten Island, it’s not that far, is it, Carisi? I wouldn’t know, of course. I’ve never been there. You’ll have to show me around.”

It doesn’t have to be over.

Carisi’s smile, it’s real now.


	16. Bluffing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #4 (for the prompt 'laughing kiss')

“This isn’t funny, Sonny.”

Sonny begs to differ.

“Yeah, I agree. It’s not funny. It’s hilarious.”

Rafael takes a deep breath. It’s clear he’s trying not to freak out, and it’s even clearer that he’s failing. He’s getting more and more agitated by the second. 

Sonny would feel bad for finding this so amusing, but, well. He doesn’t.

“Relax, Rafi. I’m working on it. I’ll get them open.”

Rafael looks like he seriously doubts that.

“I seriously doubt that.”

Sonny starts laughing again. He’s been laughing for about fifteen minutes now. Ever since he tried to undo the handcuffs. Unsuccessfully. The key had broken off, most of it still inside the lock, which meant the spare key was equally useless, and now Rafael was basically trapped, attached to the headboard and unable to move.

Rafael flinches, just as Sonny is working on the cuffs with a tiny screwdriver Rafael sometimes uses to tighten the screws on his reading glasses. 

Sonny feels bad for laughing. This has to be uncomfortable. Rafael is lying on his back, and his hands are joined over his head, pretty high up, actually, ‘cause that’s how he likes it, Rafael likes to feel the stretch, the burn, and Sonny can only imagine how badly it must burn now, because Rafael has been handcuffed to the bed for almost an hour.

“Do you need me to massage your arms or something? Are you getting sore?”

Rafael scoffs.

“What I _need_ is for you to open the damn cuffs, Sonny. And, unless I’m mistaken, it’s you who should be feeling sore.”

Sonny cracks up all over again. He loves that Rafael doesn’t lose his feistiness, not even when he’s in a compromising position.

It’s clear that Rafael doesn’t appreciate Sonny’s amusement.

Sonny is trying to be serious, but it’s hard to stop laughing when Rafael looks so mad.

“How did this even happen, Sonny? I thought these were supposed to be easy to take off. What have you been doing for the past thirty minutes? And how come you don’t know how to pick handcuffs? You’re a cop.”

“Okay, first, I’ve only been trying for fifteen minutes. Second, I’m a cop, not a criminal. I’ve never had to do this before. Third, this screwdriver isn’t working. You got any bobby pins?”

Rafael’s glare results in another laughing fit.

“Do I look like I own b-”

“Okay, okay. Uh. Paperclips! You got any paperclips?”

Rafael glares again.

“Right. Of course you do. I’ll go look through your desk. Don’t go anywhere.”

Sonny waits a second before he leaves. He doesn’t want to miss this.

Rafael closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, both of which indicate that he would facepalm if his hands weren’t otherwise occupied.

Sonny heads for Rafael’s study, laughing yet again.

To his credit, Sonny returns immediately. He debates stalling, of course, he contemplates making Rafael beg, because he was the one begging a few minutes ago and he feels like evening the score, but he figures Rafael won’t find that very funny.

Sonny is considerate like that.

“Okay, this’ll definitely work. It’ll probably only take a minute.”

It doesn’t take a minute.

It takes about five more minutes, but Sonny eventually hears a click and the cuffs open.

Rafael is finally free, and Sonny has to admire his vigor. Somehow, after being handcuffed for over an hour, Rafael still has the strength to flip Sonny over and straddle him.

Sonny looks up at Rafael, Sonny reaches up and starts rubbing Rafael’s biceps because he knows they have to be sore, and he knows Rafael won’t admit it.

Not until the next morning, when Rafael will milk this for all it’s worth and ask Sonny to, like, carry his coffee and make him breakfast and wash his hair in the shower because he won’t be able to lift his arms.

Sonny never complains. Sonny loves taking showers with Rafael.

Sonny keeps rubbing, and Rafael looks less and less mad with each touch. 

Rafael lets out a small, happy groan, and then he slides all the way down, until he’s lying on Sonny’s chest.

Sonny starts rubbing Rafael’s back, instead. Not to soothe his sore muscles. Just because Sonny likes touching him.

“This is the last time I let you handcuff me, Sonny.”

Sonny almost stops caressing Rafael’s back, too shocked by the absurdity of that statement.

Rafael practically had to pester Sonny until they tried out the cuffs the first time, over three months ago, and the cuffs have since become a staple of their love life. Rafael is always the one suggesting to use them, too. Sonny could frankly live without them, but he _does_ love the reaction they elicit from Rafael. 

Sonny loves riding Rafael while he can’t move, Sonny loves feeling Rafael’s body writhing, Sonny loves pushing down as Rafael tries to move his hips, as he tries to push deeper into Sonny without using his hands for purchase. It’s like riding a bull. 

Sonny decides to call Rafael’s bluff.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s not worth the hassle. We’re never using handcuffs again.”

Rafael gapes.

“I… What? No, I mean. We _could._ Just not anytime soon. I need to get over tonight’s ordeal first, but then we c-”

Sonny manages to keep a straight face.

“No, no. I’d hate for this to happen again. You were so uncomfortable. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, Rafi.”

Sonny’s face? Not so straight anymore.

Rafael narrows his eyes.

“Next time I’m cuffing _you,_ Sonny. I’ll show you uncomfortable.”

Sonny starts laughing again, as Rafael kisses him.

The difference is, this time Rafael is laughing too.


	17. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #5 (for the prompts ‘I don’t have the words right now so here’s a kiss’ and ’kisses because I missed you and you really shouldn’t stay away so long’)

Rafael doesn’t even know why they broke up.

Well, that’s not true.

Who in their right mind would willingly date Sonny Carisi?

Who, except Rafael?

Still. 

It was fun, it was carefree, it was sweet, it was the best sex Rafael has ever had, but it couldn’t go on.

Six months in, they broke up.

Rafael called it off. Rafael technically dumped Sonny, but it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t this drawn-out emotional conversation, with Rafael being cruel and heartless, and Sonny pleading with him so he’d reconsider.

No.

Rafael just said, ‘I don’t think it’s the best idea for us to keep doing this. People are already beginning to get suspicious. I don’t want to be the ADA who’s dating a cop, and I’m sure you don’t want to be the detective who has a special friend at the DA’s office.’

It was a simple, pragmatic, casual statement.

Sonny’s reaction was just as casual. He even said, ‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. I just couldn’t pull the trigger, you know? I’m too nice. I’m glad you said something so I didn’t have to.’

It was the best break-up Rafael has ever had.

It wasn’t until about a month later that Rafael realized he doesn’t even know why they broke up.

Not really.

Sure, what he said, what he told Sonny, that much is true. It’s never a good idea to date your colleagues, especially not if you’re a prosecutor or, worse, with the NYPD. If word got out, they’d never be able to escape the gossip.

That much is true.

But that has nothing to do with Rafael and Sonny. Nothing to do with their relationship. 

Their relationship was fine. 

It was fun, it was carefree, it was sweet, it was the best sex Rafael has ever had, and Rafael can honestly say that not one of those things has ever applied to any of his other relationships.

Rafael’s old boyfriends, they were either boring or overdramatic, they were either alluring yet sexless intellectuals, or oversexed yet brutish money men, they were either assholes like him or… Well, no, most of them were assholes like him. Exhausting assholes, like he is. 

Sonny isn’t like that.

Rafael’s relationship with Sonny wasn’t like that. It wasn’t exhausting.

It was fine.

Carefree. 

Fun.

Not words Rafael would ever use to describe his love life, not before he met Sonny.

As for ‘sweet’? That’s just not something Rafael has ever had any experience with. 

Rafael doesn’t even know why they broke up.

It’s been over a month, now, and Sonny has remained totally professional during all their interactions. Cordial, even. 

Rafael, he’s struggling a little.

Rafael misses something. 

It’s not the sex.

That’s the worst part. Rafael doesn’t just miss the sex. 

Rafael misses Sonny.

Rafael misses the feeling of knocking on someone’s door and being welcomed with a sweet smile.

Being welcomed by someone who is happy to see him.

Spending time with someone who is happy to be with him.

Rafael misses Sonny’s insider knowledge of Italian restaurants, Sonny’s familiarity with all the specialties, Sonny’s spot-on wine recommendations, Sonny’s habit of always pulling out the chair for Rafael and then grinning like an adorable fool.

Rafael misses Sonny’s corny jokes, Sonny’s eager grins, Sonny’s delicious cooking, Sonny’s surprisingly solid taste in movies, Sonny’s propensity for muttering snarky comments while watching said movies on Rafael’s couch, the two of them sitting as close to each other as possible without actually cuddling.

Rafael misses Sonny’s wandering hands, Sonny’s lips, Sonny’s dimples, Sonny’s neck, Sonny’s thighs spreading open, Sonny’s smell, Sonny’s cologne which Rafael bought for him but it’s not the same to just smell the bottle.

Rafael misses Sonny’s comforter, because it’s warmer that the one Rafael has, even though it’s way cheaper and looks poorly made, and Rafael has to pretend the warmth is coming from the comforter because he doesn’t want to admit that it’s coming from Sonny, Rafael doesn’t want to admit that he misses Sonny’s bed, Rafael misses having Sonny in _his_ bed, Rafael misses Sonny.

Rafael never realized there was so much to miss.

They mostly had sex. That’s what it was. That’s what Rafael thought it was.

They were 'dating’, sure, but in grown-up speak that just means having sex. 

Right?

Wrong.

It was more than that, apparently.

It’s just that no one bothered to inform Rafael.

Sonny is all Rafael can think about now.

The sad thing is, Rafael is pretty sure he never spent half as much time thinking about Sonny while they were actually 'dating’.

Rafael is thinking about Sonny again, as he has dinner alone. Same thing he’s been doing for the last month and a half.

He’s at a small bistro, not too far from his office. He only picked it because he and Sonny never went there together.

He knows how ridiculous that is.

Still.

That offers him some comfort.

Until he looks up and sees Sonny walking in. 

Rafael’s first thought, the first thing that pops into his mind, a split second after he sees Sonny, is that he hopes Sonny is there alone. He will not be able to handle it, if he sees Sonny with someone else. Rafael prays Sonny is alone. He legitimately prays, before he even knows he’s doing it.

The relief he feels when his prayer comes true is overwhelming.

Rafael doesn’t even know why they broke up.

Maybe he can ask Sonny.

Sonny doesn’t see him at first. Rafael almost waves, but decides against it. It would be too desperate.

It would be fitting.

Sonny does see Rafael, a few seconds later. 

Rafael expects a cordial smile, but what he gets is a frown. A fleeting frown, which is immediately followed by the polite yet neutral smile Sonny always seems to be sporting these days. 

Rafael recognized that frown. He’s seen in the mirror, but never on Sonny’s face. 

He doesn’t know if he should call it yearning, or longing, or craving, or something melodramatic like that. 

He thinks he should just call it regret.

Sonny walks over to Rafael, probably feeling obligated to initiate the greeting since he’s the one standing up. There was no need. Rafael was willing to get up for Sonny. 

Rafael gets up anyway. 

To greet Sonny. 

To ask him, maybe. To ask why the hell they broke up when it was fine.

“Hey, Rafi.”

Sonny is smiling. For once, it’s not neutral. It’s that same sweet smile Rafael is used to.

The smile Rafael misses.

Sonny is happy to see him.

Like before.

If Rafael didn’t know any better, this would be just like any other time they met for dinner.

Maybe it still can be.

Rafael blinks.

Rafael needs to speak, to return the greeting, to ask Sonny to join him, to start another casual conversation, Rafael needs to tell Sonny he takes it back, he needs to ask Sonny for a second chance, to plead with Sonny so he’ll reconsider.

Rafael just needs to find the words.

He probably won’t find them inside Sonny’s mouth, but that doesn’t stop him from looking there.

Rafael leans in and kisses Sonny, quickly, he stands on his tiptoes and gives Sonny a peck, a kiss hello, and it really is just like any other time they met for dinner and Rafael misses those dinners and he hopes Sonny misses them too.

Sonny looks at him.

Rafael still doesn’t speak.

Sonny looks, and he smiles, and he leans down, Sonny kisses Rafael too, he wraps his arms around Rafael’s shoulders and pulls until they’re flush against each other, and Rafael has never felt more at home. 

Rafael doesn’t even know why they broke up, but he knows why they’ll get back together.


	18. Next Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss #6 (for the prompt 'kiss in the dark’)

It’s 2 a.m.

Sonny contemplates leaving.

He’s in Barba’s bed, and it’s 2 a.m., and they just had sex for the first time, and it was mind-blowing to the point where Sonny isn’t even sure he remembers the way back to his apartment, but he has to contemplate leaving.

Barba fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

If they were closer, if Sonny didn’t feel like he was still walking on eggshells, if they were dating instead of just doing it, Sonny would make about a dozen jokes about that. About Barba’s age, about Barba’s stamina, about how Barba practically rolled over and took a nap two seconds after Sonny pulled out.

As it is, as they are, Sonny didn’t say anything.

Sonny stayed quiet, Sonny still stays quiet, wondering if he should go.

It’s dark.

That’s the one thing Sonny regrets.

He didn’t really have the presence of mind to look for a light switch in an unfamiliar house, not with Barba’s hands down his pants, and he didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask Barba to turn on the lights, not as they stumbled into the bedroom, most of their clothes already on the floor. 

Sonny figures maybe that’s how Barba prefers it. With the lights off. That’s not surprising. It’s just disappointing. Sonny wanted to look, Sonny wanted to see Barba’s face the minute he pushed inside, the minute Barba let out that long moan that almost had Sonny coming on the spot, the minute Barba came. 

Sonny isn’t sure if they’ll do this again.

He hopes they will.

He thinks they will. 

This wasn’t some one night stand. Sonny worked up to it, Sonny put in the hours, Sonny did the flirting, the cajoling, the sweet-talking. Sonny asked Barba out ‘for casual drinks’, once, twice, a few times now. 

Barba said yes, every time. Readily. Barba encouraged him, which was hard to believe at first. In fact, Sonny initially thought Barba was pulling a prank on him, getting more ammo to tease him. 

It wasn’t until Sonny caught Barba staring at his lips that he believed it.

Barba may not like Sonny, not like that, not yet, but he is human, and Sonny is damn cute, thank-you-very-much, and those lips have gotten glowing reviews in the past, so Sonny believed it.

He’s glad he did. He’s glad he stopped questioning it, he’s glad he just went with it when Barba put a hand on his thigh at the bar, after the others had left. He’s glad he got a chance to show off what those lips can do, he’s glad he used them to draw out that moan that was the sexiest thing Sonny has ever heard.

Sonny hopes they’ll do this again.

Maybe next time they can even keep the lights on.

Sonny can’t sleep.

He’s lying on his back, and he has his eyes open, and the room is so dark it doesn’t make a difference. His eyes may as well be closed. 

Sonny glances at Barba. At Barba’s back. He can’t actually see it, of course. He just knows Barba is turned away, because he felt Barba’s movements after they were done. 

Sonny can’t see Barba at all. The only light in the room, a faint grey glimmer, it’s coming from the alarm clock, and that doesn’t do much for Sonny because it’s on Barba’s side of the bed, and Sonny stops himself right there. Both sides are Barba’s. This is Barba’s bed. Sonny doesn’t get a side. 

Sonny contemplates leaving.

He feels Barba stirring. Turning around, maybe.

Sonny stays still.

Barba _is_ turning, Barba is rolling over again, and Sonny feels what is probably an inadvertent slap, Barba’s hand hitting his bicep, and Sonny realizes they’re so close to each other and if Barba turns his body even a little more…

Yeah.

Barba turns all the way around, and he ends up with his head on Sonny’s chest. Sonny can feel Barba’s nose on his neck, Barba’s stubble rubbing against his shoulder, Barba’s fingers running down his ribcage. 

It’s surprisingly comfortable. 

If Sonny didn’t know any better, he’d call this cuddling.

Sonny really wants to put his arm around Barba, but he hesitates. He doesn’t know why. Barba sure doesn’t seem hesitant. Sonny, though, Sonny is reluctant. Maybe because it’s too early? And, yes, Sonny knows it’s presumptuous to assume there will be a later, but still. 

Sonny settles for reaching around Barba and grabbing at the sheet. When Barba turned around, Sonny felt the sheet being yanked away from him, away from Barba too, probably. Sonny doesn’t mind, because Barba’s body is keeping him warm, but Barba’s back has got to be exposed now, and it’s a little chilly, so Sonny figures he’ll pull up the sheet.

Barba stirs again, just as Sonny pulls the sheet over his shoulders.

Barba stirs, and he hums something intelligible, and he kisses Sonny’s chest. 

It’s a small, soft, quick kiss. Barba’s lips, they graze Sonny’s chest hair, and then Barba gives him a peck, lips almost brushing Sonny’s nipple, and then Barba hums again, gets comfortable again, rests his head on Sonny’s shoulder.

It’s practically affectionate. Gentle. Nothing like the intense making out from earlier.

To Sonny, this feels more intense. 

Sonny wishes he could see Barba’s face, but maybe it’s better that he can’t. Maybe it’s better to just feel Barba’s lips in the dark. That way Sonny won’t have to wonder what Barba’s expression means. 

Sonny wonders anyway. 

Sonny wonders if Barba even realized what he did. If Barba only did it because he’s half-asleep, if Barba even knows who is lying next to him.

If Barba even knows it’s Sonny.

He probably doesn’t. He prob-

“Your heart’s beating too fast, Carisi. I can’t sleep like this. Calm down.”

Oh.

Barba does know. 

Barba is more awake than Sonny realized.

Sonny couldn’t stop his heart from pounding if he tried.

He’d feel guilty for annoying Barba, for keeping Barba up with the way his stupid heart is thudding, but he doesn’t. 

If Barba really had a problem with it, he’d just turn around again. He’d move away from Sonny. Lord knows there’s room. Over half the bed is empty. Barba is practically lying on top of Sonny right now. Barba could be comfortably stretched out on his own side of the bed, but he seems content to stay on Sonny’s.

Sonny’s side.

Sonny’s heart keeps pounding.

Barba doesn’t move.

Barba stays where he is, Barba tightens his grip on Sonny’s side, Barba places another kiss on Sonny’s chest.

Right over Sonny’s heart. 

Sonny puts his arm around Barba. 

He doesn’t hesitate any longer.

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly based on prompts from [this list](http://poipoi1912.tumblr.com/post/136460199646/101-fluffy-prompts) (originally found [here](http://sentence-fragments.tumblr.com/post/128655641230/101-fluffy-prompts)), as I receive them over time via asks from sweet tumblr users.
> 
> You can find a more comprehensive list of my tumblr ficlets [here](http://poipoi1912.tumblr.com/post/136630588656/barisi-ficlet-masterpost).


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